Dare to Love

C.S. Lewis once said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”


During the summer of 2008 I began preparing the written work for ordination as required by the Book of Discipline. The feedback from my writings told me I had made several mistakes. I still had the oral interviews waiting for me in November 2008 where I knew grace would abound and the love of the Conference Board of Ordained ministry would be shown [Laughing]. Prior to the oral interviews the head of clergy services asked me to bring a copy of a transcript showing I had completed Black Studies as required for ordination. I knew I had time so it was tabled for a short period. Notification of a Wednesday afternoon interview for the week prior to Thanksgiving arrived at my house. I remembered my transcript so I drove to Due West the week of the interview in order that I get an official copy from Erskine Seminary. The registrar was sick therefore she was not in the office on Monday or Tuesday. This meant I needed to obtain my transcript on the morning of the interview. Getting up extra early I made the trek to Due West. Timing was essential so that I would arrive on time to meet the Board of Ordained Ministry. My route to the interview would be from Due West where I would drive to Greenwood, pick up Highway 72 to Clinton then jump on I-26 heading south to a Newberry exit, following Highway 34 towards Winnsboro where I would reach my destination located at White Oak. In a perfect world it was a good plan. We do not live in a perfect world.

The events of the day went as follows. Walking into the Registrar’s office I was told she was eating breakfast. I informed the person why I was there and they told me she would be back in 10 minutes. No problem I thought. My schedule can handle this. An hour passed before I found anyone who knew where the registrar was. The person I needed walked in apologizing saying she had forgotten. Real problem as I was now way behind. This would be cutting things close but it was still doable for me to arrive at White Oak early. All was going according to plan after that until I was stopped for speeding as I entered Clinton. I did my best to inform the state trooper I was on a mission for God but he wasn’t interested. Now I was in a real time crunch. Knowing I had to risk another ticket I pressed down on the accelerator. Finally, with 15 minutes to spare I arrived at the interview location. My mind was racing and the heart beating fast; I never had a chance to gain any composure before my first interview. After I was seated in the first interview room with people staring at me the first question posed to me addressed how was I dealing with my learning disability (dyslexia). “What?!!!!! What disability?” The interviewer said “It is mentioned in your file”. “Stick a fork in me because I am done” I mumbled to myself. I never gained my composure for the rest of the day. In the next interview I could not formulate a coherent thought. The interviewer asked me if I had a learning disability. I thought about asking if anyone wanted to come home with me and kick my dog too. I was continued for another year since I did not pass the BOM. My world had crumbled. I had failed.

The drive home was long and joyless. I passed by the cemetery in Chester where my grandparents are buried. I didn’t go in. Pulling over looking in trying to make sense of everything I thought “Why did y’all have to die when I really need y’all now”? Questions and thoughts crowded my mind. I did not want to see anyone from family to colleagues. I did not want to deal with friends. C.S. Lewis describes a way to protect the heart from all pain. The problem with pushing away love is joy ceases to exist. I did just that. However, God was at work in a way I could not see in the moment. No, God did not cause the problem. He probably thought I had gotten a little big for my britches. God then said “Okay you handle it as best as you see fit”. God was sitting at rock bottom to catch me. I knew I had to tell PPRC of my failure. The members of Liberty Hill UMC embraced me tightly. I learned how to open my heart to love. I loved them deeply but kept them at arms length. My friends, well, I also had put just enough distance between them and me. They kept on loving. Why I will never know. I met with mentors assigned by the BOM who showed me grace. When Annual Conference 2009 came I will admit I did not want to go. Something inside of me kept me there as opposed to checking in then driving home. I saw my interviewers who showed me the grace and love of God. My pain, hurt, and self-control faded as I opened myself up to God’s perfect love. I made it through the next year and now I find myself at the Church of the Palms. Joy abounds in the love shown to me by others and by you, CotP, as well.

How do you define joy? Where have you seen God at work lately? We will all experience times in our lives which push us down. Maybe walls come up to protect the heart from the pain of love. We withdraw into a joyless void. Nehemiah 8:10 tells us “…the joy of the Lord is our strength”. Drawing upon that joy allows us to open our hearts to love. Daring to love means we open ourselves up to potential hurt but also the greatest joy of all, God’s unconditional love. We live in a community which hurts. Jobs at times are scarce. People are rejected. Many reasons exist as why folks hurt. How can we take the message of joy this advent season to others so they may see the unconditional love of God in Jesus Christ?

Joy is not a surface-level happy – it is deeply seated in one’s character. Joy may not always manifest itself in smiles and laughter, but rather in grace and assurance. Joy might be described as knowing something better exists, and holding onto that which is better.